God is my business. No...I'm serious...God is my "business." I'm a clergy person, and I'm in the business of helping other grow in their relationship to God. It's pretty ironic that even in the midst of my sharing God with others, I couldn't believe what I was preaching.
There have been many ways in which I was very connected with God. I've known for a long time that I had a direct line to a power greater than myself, like since I was 17. And there were many things for which I turned to God for guidance, strength, and wisdom.
When it came to the food, however, it never occurred to me to go to God. Perhaps that is even not quite true. I know that, while I was sharing with others that God could and would show up in their times of most need, I did not believe it was true for me. I believed that there were things I had done in my past that made me unlovable to God...or at least that God wouldn't care to give me a second thought. God could not love me. In fact God had actually forsaken me...left me in the world to suffer alone. And that perhaps, if I shared God's love enough, I could be brought back into the fold. Because I truly believed that God could be available to anyone...except me.
In writing my fourth step inventory in OA, I found it quite freeing to write out all of the heinous (in my mind) acts that I had committed. These 20 years of pain, solitude, despair, and shame were finally on paper, and in some way I was no longer carrying them alone. There was at least a notebook that also bore the weight of my past mistakes.
There were a few things in particular that were very painful to me....that made me the lowest of the low of human beings. These old, old wounds were fresh in my heart and soul, and I thought myself worthy of literal death because of them. Surely, if anyone knew about them, they would throw me to the wolves.
What a miracle it was to experience sharing this with another human being in the fifth step! I shared those places of deep pain and was NOT rejected! I was comforted and loved. I was held and accepted. And ultimately, I came to believe that God could and would be available in MY moments of greatest need. God was there when I finally decided to reach in God's direction. It was not that God had forsaken me, but the other way around.
I had pushed and pushed God away feeling unworthy of care, acceptance, love and pardon. I had dis-invited God into the most intimate places of my pain, thinking myself unworthy of such tremendous love and compassion. God has continued to reach out to me saying, "beloved one, come to me...come all who are weary." And trust me, I am weary!
I believe today that as long as I am walking in a direction of recovery, open to God's movement, then God is available to me. There is nothing that can separate me (us) from the love of a benevolent God...nothing...except myself.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I Don't Wanna
I don't want to write tonight. I don't want to write tomorrow. I am tired, and tonight, I just want to be a normal person. I don't want to be a person with a disease who has to be in constant care in order to stay in remission.
I want to spend my evening relaxing on the couch. I want to watch tv and chat with my husband. I have a narrow window of time between when my babe goes to bed and when I go to bed. One tiny hour. During that time, I just want to be a normie. I don't want to think. I don't want to think about my disease or my recovery. I don't want to think about what I have to do in order to survive. I want a night off from my disease.
Ok...now that I have gotten that out of my system. Step two in this path of recovery is "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
For most of my life, I have been in strong connection with God. I have felt very close to God since my childhood and have even answered a call from God into ordained ministry. I turned my vocation and work life over to the care of God. In that vein, I have gotten a lot from God, vocationally. For some reason (the addicted mind), I didn't think that God had any interest in my food or my obsession.
Truth is that I thought I could control my eating...I would someday have the willpower to resist the cravings. I never asked for help. I would work it out. What I have come to believe is that I am powerless over food, and that my life is unmanageable, and only a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
I believe that I was really blocked from all that God had to offer to me. I could hear God speaking to me in so many ways, but in this area I was so cut off from myself that I couldn't possibly hear God. I finally got desperate enough to believe that God would be willing to enter this part of my life, and even more...I got desperate enough to be willing to believe that God would care.
Desperation and willingness may have saved my life.
I want to spend my evening relaxing on the couch. I want to watch tv and chat with my husband. I have a narrow window of time between when my babe goes to bed and when I go to bed. One tiny hour. During that time, I just want to be a normie. I don't want to think. I don't want to think about my disease or my recovery. I don't want to think about what I have to do in order to survive. I want a night off from my disease.
Ok...now that I have gotten that out of my system. Step two in this path of recovery is "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
For most of my life, I have been in strong connection with God. I have felt very close to God since my childhood and have even answered a call from God into ordained ministry. I turned my vocation and work life over to the care of God. In that vein, I have gotten a lot from God, vocationally. For some reason (the addicted mind), I didn't think that God had any interest in my food or my obsession.
Truth is that I thought I could control my eating...I would someday have the willpower to resist the cravings. I never asked for help. I would work it out. What I have come to believe is that I am powerless over food, and that my life is unmanageable, and only a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
I believe that I was really blocked from all that God had to offer to me. I could hear God speaking to me in so many ways, but in this area I was so cut off from myself that I couldn't possibly hear God. I finally got desperate enough to believe that God would be willing to enter this part of my life, and even more...I got desperate enough to be willing to believe that God would care.
Desperation and willingness may have saved my life.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Obsession of the Mind
Once the phenomenon of craving is subsided physically (by abstaining from those foods which are poisonous to me), I get into the real trouble with my addiction: my mind. I am too damn smart. And not only am I smart, but I'm also very clever.
It would be enough for a "normal" person to be told that they are allergic to a certain type of food and that it could and would kill them, and they would cut that food out of their life. Allergic to peanuts...no problem. Allergic to wheat...no problem.
If I were a normal person, that would be enough. I am allergic to certain foods, and I should avoid them altogether. No problem...but wait...can't I have just a little taste of it. That wouldn't kill me would it. Just how many peanuts would it take until my windpipe closed up...five peanuts...ten...the whole bag on the plane? Surely just a few wouldn't hurt me too bad.
That's the addicted mind. It's not just that I'm allergic to certain foods, but I also have a mind obsessed with food or rather, obsessed with anything that I perceive that won't go MY way. There are no excuses that justify the obsession or eating the foods to which I am allergic. Not only must I abstain from all addictive foods, but I must abstain from giving into my obsessed mind. And that I cannot do alone, but now I'm getting ahead of myself.
It would be enough for a "normal" person to be told that they are allergic to a certain type of food and that it could and would kill them, and they would cut that food out of their life. Allergic to peanuts...no problem. Allergic to wheat...no problem.
If I were a normal person, that would be enough. I am allergic to certain foods, and I should avoid them altogether. No problem...but wait...can't I have just a little taste of it. That wouldn't kill me would it. Just how many peanuts would it take until my windpipe closed up...five peanuts...ten...the whole bag on the plane? Surely just a few wouldn't hurt me too bad.
That's the addicted mind. It's not just that I'm allergic to certain foods, but I also have a mind obsessed with food or rather, obsessed with anything that I perceive that won't go MY way. There are no excuses that justify the obsession or eating the foods to which I am allergic. Not only must I abstain from all addictive foods, but I must abstain from giving into my obsessed mind. And that I cannot do alone, but now I'm getting ahead of myself.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Phenomenon of Craving
The allergy of the body that I discussed in the last post causes what Dr. Silkworth calls "the phenomenon of craving." Once I have a little of my drug of choice (food), I immediately crave more. There is never enough that will satiate my desire for more. One french fry will inevitably lead to the next french fry and the next. In fact if you are having fries and you're sitting across from me, I am probably thinking about how I could possibly sneak one (or ALL) of them off your plate and get them into my mouth without you noticing.
The only way to reduce the phenomenon of craving is to completely cut out the substance that triggers the craving. For me those substances are usually fried foods and refined sugar. There are also a few no-no's that I have to avoid completely, like sugar-free food items and potato chips. It does not matter if they are baked or fried. I cannot stop with one....or even one bag. Once I've started, I cannot stop. Another addict wrote in his big book study:
Our body is telling us to eat, and we can't stop eating, just as we can't stop breathing or blinking our eyes - we may be able to suspend our breathing or blinking temporarily, but we simply can't stop.
Complete abstinence from all addictive foods is the first step to freedom from the obsession and the cravings. My first sponsor in OA used to tell me, "Don't eat. Don't eat. Don't eat. No matter what, don't eat." The point is that the food is never going to "fix" whatever problem I'm facing, nor is the food the best way to celebrate an achievement.
When I have told some folks about the foods I don't eat, they have been amazed at my willpower. They tell me that they can't believe that I never eat these things. I usually respond with a funny quip about how if I had one bite of the ... (whatever it is I'm not eating with everyone else), then I would be fighting off everyone else to be able to eat the whole thing. No one else would get any because I would need it all. And I do mean NEED. I would feel like I was dying to not have more.
The freedom is that I don't have to do this forever and always. I actually only have to do it today. One day at a time, I have to make the choice to abstain. Recently, I decided not to abstain. I ate outside of my food plan and thought that I could, perhaps, just have a little bit. I felt like I was testing the waters. After three and a half years of back to back abstinence, I went back out there. And here is what I know for a fact, the phenomenon of craving is real and is waiting for me. I cannot take one bite of my personal binge foods and expect to survive. I will not. Complete abstinence is the only way.
I had to tell my sponsor about this, and quite frankly, it sucked. I didn't want to do it, but I know that only complete and rigorous honesty will allow me to survive this cunning and baffling disease. I'm abstinent again, and one day at a time, I hope to continue to chose the path of recovery and not the path of craving.
The only way to reduce the phenomenon of craving is to completely cut out the substance that triggers the craving. For me those substances are usually fried foods and refined sugar. There are also a few no-no's that I have to avoid completely, like sugar-free food items and potato chips. It does not matter if they are baked or fried. I cannot stop with one....or even one bag. Once I've started, I cannot stop. Another addict wrote in his big book study:
Our body is telling us to eat, and we can't stop eating, just as we can't stop breathing or blinking our eyes - we may be able to suspend our breathing or blinking temporarily, but we simply can't stop.
Complete abstinence from all addictive foods is the first step to freedom from the obsession and the cravings. My first sponsor in OA used to tell me, "Don't eat. Don't eat. Don't eat. No matter what, don't eat." The point is that the food is never going to "fix" whatever problem I'm facing, nor is the food the best way to celebrate an achievement.
When I have told some folks about the foods I don't eat, they have been amazed at my willpower. They tell me that they can't believe that I never eat these things. I usually respond with a funny quip about how if I had one bite of the ... (whatever it is I'm not eating with everyone else), then I would be fighting off everyone else to be able to eat the whole thing. No one else would get any because I would need it all. And I do mean NEED. I would feel like I was dying to not have more.
The freedom is that I don't have to do this forever and always. I actually only have to do it today. One day at a time, I have to make the choice to abstain. Recently, I decided not to abstain. I ate outside of my food plan and thought that I could, perhaps, just have a little bit. I felt like I was testing the waters. After three and a half years of back to back abstinence, I went back out there. And here is what I know for a fact, the phenomenon of craving is real and is waiting for me. I cannot take one bite of my personal binge foods and expect to survive. I will not. Complete abstinence is the only way.
I had to tell my sponsor about this, and quite frankly, it sucked. I didn't want to do it, but I know that only complete and rigorous honesty will allow me to survive this cunning and baffling disease. I'm abstinent again, and one day at a time, I hope to continue to chose the path of recovery and not the path of craving.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Allergic Reaction
In the Doctor's Opinion in the beginning pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. Silkworth talks about an allergy...an allergy that alcoholics have that creates a phenomenon of craving. Alcoholics (and I contend...addicts) have a physical and mental allergy to their substance of choice. In my case, that substance is food (and there are particular foods to which I am allergic, but I'll get to that more later.) This allergy creates - in both the body and the mind of the addict - a craving that cannot be outmatched by unaided human will. Once started, the addict cannot stop using.
The body and mind have an allergic reaction to the substance, and they crave more. Once they have received more, they are not satiated, but rather are more intent on getting even more. There is no "enough". The well of "want" is bottomless.
I could always relate to the Lays Potato Chip ads. You can't eat just one! You BET I can't eat just one. I never could. I can remember sitting down with a bag of chips...a big bag, not those measly "individual" servings...and suddenly being with a completely empty bag. I would wonder to myself how I could have possibly eaten the entire bag, especially when I had just had a meal. But somehow I could. Not only was my hand unconsciously going from bag to mouth repeatedly without so much as an intention, but my mind was totally disembodied from the experience. It was like my brain checked out.
I have eaten to well-past full and wondered how it happened. Why couldn't I stop?! I felt like my car has driven itself into drive through windows by itself. I couldn't have passed the places if I had tried. And I did try. I could swear to never do it again, but I would. I awaken from a food coma prepared to change my ways until... It never mattered what was behind the "until" but the food was always waiting.
I have an allergy to certain foods that, unless I abstain from them completely, will kill me. Overindulging is not going to kill me; my inability to stop eating will. In order to assist in the arrest of my disease, I have to avoid all foods to which I have an allergic reaction, including all personal binge foods. And I have to avoid that first compulsive bite. Each time I abstain from eating compulsively, it is easier to abstain the next time.
The body and mind have an allergic reaction to the substance, and they crave more. Once they have received more, they are not satiated, but rather are more intent on getting even more. There is no "enough". The well of "want" is bottomless.
I could always relate to the Lays Potato Chip ads. You can't eat just one! You BET I can't eat just one. I never could. I can remember sitting down with a bag of chips...a big bag, not those measly "individual" servings...and suddenly being with a completely empty bag. I would wonder to myself how I could have possibly eaten the entire bag, especially when I had just had a meal. But somehow I could. Not only was my hand unconsciously going from bag to mouth repeatedly without so much as an intention, but my mind was totally disembodied from the experience. It was like my brain checked out.
I have eaten to well-past full and wondered how it happened. Why couldn't I stop?! I felt like my car has driven itself into drive through windows by itself. I couldn't have passed the places if I had tried. And I did try. I could swear to never do it again, but I would. I awaken from a food coma prepared to change my ways until... It never mattered what was behind the "until" but the food was always waiting.
I have an allergy to certain foods that, unless I abstain from them completely, will kill me. Overindulging is not going to kill me; my inability to stop eating will. In order to assist in the arrest of my disease, I have to avoid all foods to which I have an allergic reaction, including all personal binge foods. And I have to avoid that first compulsive bite. Each time I abstain from eating compulsively, it is easier to abstain the next time.
The "Why"
I am a compulsive overeater and a food addict. I have an incurable disease that will eventually kill me if I don't take some action. That action for me is working a 12-step program of recovery from compulsive eating, found in Overeaters Anonymous.*
I have been "in program" (as the lingo goes) since November 2006. But now my sponsor has asked me to step-up my program. Actually, I am struggling to survive without the food, and I went begging for help. "We're going to work the steps, and you're going to write," were her words to me. Ok...they weren't that exactly, but that's what I heard.
I could just write in my journal. That spiral bound book that I have been carrying for close to four years, but it didn't feel like enough. I felt that, in some way, I could do service to other compulsive overeaters by posting my writing online. Who knows if I will really even tell anyone about this blog, but I feel the need right now to get it out there.
The "real why" that my sponsor asked me was why did I want to recover from my disease of compulsive eating. Truth is that I asked her first, but much like a carpenter from Nazareth, she answered my question with the same question in return.
Why DO I want to recover from this debilitating disease?
*Please note that this blog is one addict's experience. I do not speak for OA as a whole or in part. I'm only talking about my own experience.
I have been "in program" (as the lingo goes) since November 2006. But now my sponsor has asked me to step-up my program. Actually, I am struggling to survive without the food, and I went begging for help. "We're going to work the steps, and you're going to write," were her words to me. Ok...they weren't that exactly, but that's what I heard.
I could just write in my journal. That spiral bound book that I have been carrying for close to four years, but it didn't feel like enough. I felt that, in some way, I could do service to other compulsive overeaters by posting my writing online. Who knows if I will really even tell anyone about this blog, but I feel the need right now to get it out there.
The "real why" that my sponsor asked me was why did I want to recover from my disease of compulsive eating. Truth is that I asked her first, but much like a carpenter from Nazareth, she answered my question with the same question in return.
Why DO I want to recover from this debilitating disease?
- I want freedom to think about something else beside what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, and when I can get my next fix.
- I want to live...really live. Not just putz through my life...half-assing my way in this relationship or that one or this job or that one.
- I want to be present with my partner, my child, my friends, and my family. And when I'm in the food, I'm not present.
- I don't want my child to see me in my active disease. I want to model a way to engage life's good and bad without resorting to eating/addiction.
- I love what I have received in recovery: a better relationship with my partner, the ability to feel my feelings (and not just the bad ones), comfortability in my body, smaller pants, and there's a lot more.
*Please note that this blog is one addict's experience. I do not speak for OA as a whole or in part. I'm only talking about my own experience.
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