I Don't Wanna

I don't want to write tonight. I don't want to write tomorrow. I am tired, and tonight, I just want to be a normal person. I don't want to be a person with a disease who has to be in constant care in order to stay in remission.

I want to spend my evening relaxing on the couch. I want to watch tv and chat with my husband. I have a narrow window of time between when my babe goes to bed and when I go to bed. One tiny hour. During that time, I just want to be a normie. I don't want to think. I don't want to think about my disease or my recovery. I don't want to think about what I have to do in order to survive. I want a night off from my disease.

Ok...now that I have gotten that out of my system. Step two in this path of recovery is "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."

For most of my life, I have been in strong connection with God. I have felt very close to God since my childhood and have even answered a call from God into ordained ministry. I turned my vocation and work life over to the care of God. In that vein, I have gotten a lot from God, vocationally. For some reason (the addicted mind), I didn't think that God had any interest in my food or my obsession.

Truth is that I thought I could control my eating...I would someday have the willpower to resist the cravings. I never asked for help. I would work it out. What I have come to believe is that I am powerless over food, and that my life is unmanageable, and only a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

I believe that I was really blocked from all that God had to offer to me. I could hear God speaking to me in so many ways, but in this area I was so cut off from myself that I couldn't possibly hear God. I finally got desperate enough to believe that God would be willing to enter this part of my life, and even more...I got desperate enough to be willing to believe that God would care.

Desperation and willingness may have saved my life.