God is my business. No...I'm serious...God is my "business." I'm a clergy person, and I'm in the business of helping other grow in their relationship to God. It's pretty ironic that even in the midst of my sharing God with others, I couldn't believe what I was preaching.
There have been many ways in which I was very connected with God. I've known for a long time that I had a direct line to a power greater than myself, like since I was 17. And there were many things for which I turned to God for guidance, strength, and wisdom.
When it came to the food, however, it never occurred to me to go to God. Perhaps that is even not quite true. I know that, while I was sharing with others that God could and would show up in their times of most need, I did not believe it was true for me. I believed that there were things I had done in my past that made me unlovable to God...or at least that God wouldn't care to give me a second thought. God could not love me. In fact God had actually forsaken me...left me in the world to suffer alone. And that perhaps, if I shared God's love enough, I could be brought back into the fold. Because I truly believed that God could be available to anyone...except me.
In writing my fourth step inventory in OA, I found it quite freeing to write out all of the heinous (in my mind) acts that I had committed. These 20 years of pain, solitude, despair, and shame were finally on paper, and in some way I was no longer carrying them alone. There was at least a notebook that also bore the weight of my past mistakes.
There were a few things in particular that were very painful to me....that made me the lowest of the low of human beings. These old, old wounds were fresh in my heart and soul, and I thought myself worthy of literal death because of them. Surely, if anyone knew about them, they would throw me to the wolves.
What a miracle it was to experience sharing this with another human being in the fifth step! I shared those places of deep pain and was NOT rejected! I was comforted and loved. I was held and accepted. And ultimately, I came to believe that God could and would be available in MY moments of greatest need. God was there when I finally decided to reach in God's direction. It was not that God had forsaken me, but the other way around.
I had pushed and pushed God away feeling unworthy of care, acceptance, love and pardon. I had dis-invited God into the most intimate places of my pain, thinking myself unworthy of such tremendous love and compassion. God has continued to reach out to me saying, "beloved one, come to me...come all who are weary." And trust me, I am weary!
I believe today that as long as I am walking in a direction of recovery, open to God's movement, then God is available to me. There is nothing that can separate me (us) from the love of a benevolent God...nothing...except myself.
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