Phenomenon of Craving

The allergy of the body that I discussed in the last post causes what Dr. Silkworth calls "the phenomenon of craving." Once I have a little of my drug of choice (food), I immediately crave more. There is never enough that will satiate my desire for more. One french fry will inevitably lead to the next french fry and the next. In fact if you are having fries and you're sitting across from me, I am probably thinking about how I could possibly sneak one (or ALL) of them off your plate and get them into my mouth without you noticing.

The only way to reduce the phenomenon of craving is to completely cut out the substance that triggers the craving. For me those substances are usually fried foods and refined sugar. There are also a few no-no's that I have to avoid completely, like sugar-free food items and potato chips. It does not matter if they are baked or fried. I cannot stop with one....or even one bag. Once I've started, I cannot stop. Another addict wrote in his big book study:

Our body is telling us to eat, and we can't stop eating, just as we can't stop breathing or blinking our eyes - we may be able to suspend our breathing or blinking temporarily, but we simply can't stop.

Complete abstinence from all addictive foods is the first step to freedom from the obsession and the cravings. My first sponsor in OA used to tell me, "Don't eat. Don't eat. Don't eat. No matter what, don't eat." The point is that the food is never going to "fix" whatever problem I'm facing, nor is the food the best way to celebrate an achievement.

When I have told some folks about the foods I don't eat, they have been amazed at my willpower. They tell me that they can't believe that I never eat these things. I usually respond with a funny quip about how if I had one bite of the ... (whatever it is I'm not eating with everyone else), then I would be fighting off everyone else to be able to eat the whole thing. No one else would get any because I would need it all. And I do mean NEED. I would feel like I was dying to not have more.

The freedom is that I don't have to do this forever and always. I actually only have to do it today. One day at a time, I have to make the choice to abstain. Recently, I decided not to abstain. I ate outside of my food plan and thought that I could, perhaps, just have a little bit. I felt like I was testing the waters. After three and a half years of back to back abstinence, I went back out there. And here is what I know for a fact, the phenomenon of craving is real and is waiting for me. I cannot take one bite of my personal binge foods and expect to survive. I will not. Complete abstinence is the only way.

I had to tell my sponsor about this, and quite frankly, it sucked. I didn't want to do it, but I know that only complete and rigorous honesty will allow me to survive this cunning and baffling disease. I'm abstinent again, and one day at a time, I hope to continue to chose the path of recovery and not the path of craving.

The "Why"

I am a compulsive overeater and a food addict. I have an incurable disease that will eventually kill me if I don't take some action. That action for me is working a 12-step program of recovery from compulsive eating, found in Overeaters Anonymous.*

I have been "in program" (as the lingo goes) since November 2006. But now my sponsor has asked me to step-up my program. Actually, I am struggling to survive without the food, and I went begging for help. "We're going to work the steps, and you're going to write," were her words to me. Ok...they weren't that exactly, but that's what I heard.

I could just write in my journal. That spiral bound book that I have been carrying for close to four years, but it didn't feel like enough. I felt that, in some way, I could do service to other compulsive overeaters by posting my writing online. Who knows if I will really even tell anyone about this blog, but I feel the need right now to get it out there.

The "real why" that my sponsor asked me was why did I want to recover from my disease of compulsive eating. Truth is that I asked her first, but much like a carpenter from Nazareth, she answered my question with the same question in return.

Why DO I want to recover from this debilitating disease?

• I want freedom to think about something else beside what I am going to eat, when I am going to eat, how much I am going to eat, and when I can get my next fix.
• I want to live...really live. Not just putz through my life...half-assing my way in this relationship or that one or this job or that one.
• I want to be present with my partner, my child, my friends, and my family. And when I'm in the food, I'm not present.
• I don't want my child to see me in my active disease. I want to model a way to engage life's good and bad without resorting to eating/addiction.
• I love what I have received in recovery: a better relationship with my partner, the ability to feel my feelings (and not just the bad ones), comfortability in my body, smaller pants, and there's a lot more.

I hope that I will be able to keep up this blog, not just because I like to write and want to keep it up, but also because I believe that it could bring a new depth to my recovery. If you journey with me, I hope you will find something you are looking for in my experience, strength, and hope.



*Please note that this blog is one addict's experience. I do not speak for OA as a whole or in part. I'm only talking about my own experience.