When I was active in my disease (binging my brains out and eating myself to oblivion), my life was a series of highs and lows. Everything that happened to me was either the best thing that had EVER happened to me or was absolutely devastating. There was never the in between. I was either on top of the world or the lowest life form to ever slink across the surface of the planet. And if I am completely honest with myself, even when life was amazing and I was getting everything I wanted, I usually still felt like the later.
When I hit rock bottom with my compulsive eating, I (by all accounts) was at a peak of life. I graduated from grad school, was moving back to a place I loved, was marrying the love of my life, was starting a non-profit, etc. But I also ballooned to my highest weight. When life happened to me, I ate. For the good and the bad, I ate. I didn't know how to cope with life without eating. I did not know how to live life in the middle ground. It was all high or all low!
My life is different now. Or better that I should say, my reaction to life is different now. These last two weeks have been a crazy system of ups and downs. (Not the ones perceived by my addict's brain...but actual ups and downs.) And the most brilliant thing I have experienced has been a middle-of-the-road reaction to it all. I have felt the exhilaration and the devastation, but I have not stayed there. Once I was beyond the initial shock of all the events, my Higher Power gave me an evenness of mind and body. I did not want to eat or starve over it all. I just wanted to be of maximum usefulness to my HP, my family, and my fellows.
Recovery is like this. Amazing!
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