The Dark Passenger

I've been watching a lot of the show Dexter these days. For those who might not know the show, Dexter is a lovable blood spatter analyst with the Miami Police Department. Oh yeah...and he's a serial killer. His traumatic childhood awakened what he called "the dark passenger," his need to kill. By all intents and purposes, Dexter tries to be a normal person, but this drive for the kill also makes his life unmanageable at times.

I, too, have a dark passenger. I have an incurable disease that without the proper treatment will first make my life unmanageable and then will kill me. The hardest thing for me to remember is that I HAVE this disease, and that I'm not a bad person. This dark passenger speaks very loudly to me at times, telling me that I am a worthless piece of shit and that I do not deserve all the good things in life or even life itself.

I am currently trying to do more self-care. I'm really good at caring for others, but horrible at caring for myself. This is primarily because the disease tells me I'm not worth it. So for now, I'm acting as if I believed it. I have gone to the nutritionist, the dentist, an oral surgeon, and the eye doctor all in the last two weeks. And there is more to come.