Fear Not!

Fear. It's a huge thing in my life. Fear. I am a fearful person by nature. If you knew me out in the world, you might not know it. But so much of what goes on in my head is based on fear. Almost all the time, my gut reaction to any situation is to fear.

This being said I am less fearful in situations in which there are know entities. I know the people, I'm less fearful. I know the place, less fearful. I can anticipate every action around me...ok...that one is only in my dreams, but again it's based on fear.

In the Big Book, we hear about how fear is a huge part of our lives as addicts. It controls us. And I totally feel that. On page 68, there is a "fear prayer" that is suggested as a way to combat that gut reaction. "God, remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be." I feel like I cannot say this enough right now, and it's even not enough. The fear is strong.

But I also believe that my Higher Power is stronger than my fear. In my religious tradition there is a psalm (song) to God that is pretty well-known, even outside of traditional religions. Psalm 23 goes like this:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff -
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.

I find it a bit ironic that this is used most often for funerals. This is a psalm for the living not the dead. It is a psalm for an addict like me. When I am most connected with my HP (or when I am in most need of a connection), this psalm speaks to me.

God is the one who can lead me today. Not me. And not only will God lead me, but I can have stillness and restoration. The days of toiling and spinning can be done. I can take the right paths in life and leave the sketchy ones behind.

Even though things get difficult and I want to die, God is with me and comforts me in my most desperate need. Even when I feel persecuted or feel like I have/am nothing, I need not be concerned with that. For God prepares a place for me and gives me what I need to be sustained. I will have enough...always enough.

If I can keep in touch with this power greater than human power, I will receive goodness and mercy and will be able to offer goodness and mercy.

Fear...you have no part of me...you don't work here anymore.

And so I will dwell with God my whole life long.

Allergic Reaction

In the Doctor's Opinion in the beginning pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. Silkworth talks about an allergy...an allergy that alcoholics have that creates a phenomenon of craving. Alcoholics (and I contend...addicts) have a physical and mental allergy to their substance of choice. In my case, that substance is food (and there are particular foods to which I am allergic, but I'll get to that more later.) This allergy creates - in both the body and the mind of the addict - a craving that cannot be outmatched by unaided human will. Once started, the addict cannot stop using.

The body and mind have an allergic reaction to the substance, and they crave more. Once they have received more, they are not satiated, but rather are more intent on getting even more. There is no "enough". The well of "want" is bottomless.

I could always relate to the Lays Potato Chip ads. You can't eat just one! You BET I can't eat just one. I never could. I can remember sitting down with a bag of chips...a big bag, not those measly "individual" servings...and suddenly being with a completely empty bag. I would wonder to myself how I could have possibly eaten the entire bag, especially when I had just had a meal. But somehow I could. Not only was my hand unconsciously going from bag to mouth repeatedly without so much as an intention, but my mind was totally disembodied from the experience. It was like my brain checked out.

I have eaten to well-past full and wondered how it happened. Why couldn't I stop?! I felt like my car has driven itself into drive through windows by itself. I couldn't have passed the places if I had tried. And I did try. I could swear to never do it again, but I would. I awaken from a food coma prepared to change my ways until... It never mattered what was behind the "until" but the food was always waiting.

I have an allergy to certain foods that, unless I abstain from them completely, will kill me. Overindulging is not going to kill me; my inability to stop eating will. In order to assist in the arrest of my disease, I have to avoid all foods to which I have an allergic reaction, including all personal binge foods. And I have to avoid that first compulsive bite. Each time I abstain from eating compulsively, it is easier to abstain the next time.