Once the phenomenon of craving is subsided physically (by abstaining from those foods which are poisonous to me), I get into the real trouble with my addiction: my mind. I am too damn smart. And not only am I smart, but I'm also very clever.
It would be enough for a "normal" person to be told that they are allergic to a certain type of food and that it could and would kill them, and they would cut that food out of their life. Allergic to peanuts...no problem. Allergic to wheat...no problem.
If I were a normal person, that would be enough. I am allergic to certain foods, and I should avoid them altogether. No problem...but wait...can't I have just a little taste of it. That wouldn't kill me would it. Just how many peanuts would it take until my windpipe closed up...five peanuts...ten...the whole bag on the plane? Surely just a few wouldn't hurt me too bad.
That's the addicted mind. It's not just that I'm allergic to certain foods, but I also have a mind obsessed with food or rather, obsessed with anything that I perceive that won't go MY way. There are no excuses that justify the obsession or eating the foods to which I am allergic. Not only must I abstain from all addictive foods, but I must abstain from giving into my obsessed mind. And that I cannot do alone, but now I'm getting ahead of myself.
Showing posts with label allergy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label allergy. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Allergic Reaction
In the Doctor's Opinion in the beginning pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. Silkworth talks about an allergy...an allergy that alcoholics have that creates a phenomenon of craving. Alcoholics (and I contend...addicts) have a physical and mental allergy to their substance of choice. In my case, that substance is food (and there are particular foods to which I am allergic, but I'll get to that more later.) This allergy creates - in both the body and the mind of the addict - a craving that cannot be outmatched by unaided human will. Once started, the addict cannot stop using.
The body and mind have an allergic reaction to the substance, and they crave more. Once they have received more, they are not satiated, but rather are more intent on getting even more. There is no "enough". The well of "want" is bottomless.
I could always relate to the Lays Potato Chip ads. You can't eat just one! You BET I can't eat just one. I never could. I can remember sitting down with a bag of chips...a big bag, not those measly "individual" servings...and suddenly being with a completely empty bag. I would wonder to myself how I could have possibly eaten the entire bag, especially when I had just had a meal. But somehow I could. Not only was my hand unconsciously going from bag to mouth repeatedly without so much as an intention, but my mind was totally disembodied from the experience. It was like my brain checked out.
I have eaten to well-past full and wondered how it happened. Why couldn't I stop?! I felt like my car has driven itself into drive through windows by itself. I couldn't have passed the places if I had tried. And I did try. I could swear to never do it again, but I would. I awaken from a food coma prepared to change my ways until... It never mattered what was behind the "until" but the food was always waiting.
I have an allergy to certain foods that, unless I abstain from them completely, will kill me. Overindulging is not going to kill me; my inability to stop eating will. In order to assist in the arrest of my disease, I have to avoid all foods to which I have an allergic reaction, including all personal binge foods. And I have to avoid that first compulsive bite. Each time I abstain from eating compulsively, it is easier to abstain the next time.
The body and mind have an allergic reaction to the substance, and they crave more. Once they have received more, they are not satiated, but rather are more intent on getting even more. There is no "enough". The well of "want" is bottomless.
I could always relate to the Lays Potato Chip ads. You can't eat just one! You BET I can't eat just one. I never could. I can remember sitting down with a bag of chips...a big bag, not those measly "individual" servings...and suddenly being with a completely empty bag. I would wonder to myself how I could have possibly eaten the entire bag, especially when I had just had a meal. But somehow I could. Not only was my hand unconsciously going from bag to mouth repeatedly without so much as an intention, but my mind was totally disembodied from the experience. It was like my brain checked out.
I have eaten to well-past full and wondered how it happened. Why couldn't I stop?! I felt like my car has driven itself into drive through windows by itself. I couldn't have passed the places if I had tried. And I did try. I could swear to never do it again, but I would. I awaken from a food coma prepared to change my ways until... It never mattered what was behind the "until" but the food was always waiting.
I have an allergy to certain foods that, unless I abstain from them completely, will kill me. Overindulging is not going to kill me; my inability to stop eating will. In order to assist in the arrest of my disease, I have to avoid all foods to which I have an allergic reaction, including all personal binge foods. And I have to avoid that first compulsive bite. Each time I abstain from eating compulsively, it is easier to abstain the next time.
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