I've been watching a lot of the show Dexter these days. For those who might not know the show, Dexter is a lovable blood spatter analyst with the Miami Police Department. Oh yeah...and he's a serial killer. His traumatic childhood awakened what he called "the dark passenger," his need to kill. By all intents and purposes, Dexter tries to be a normal person, but this drive for the kill also makes his life unmanageable at times.
I, too, have a dark passenger. I have an incurable disease that without the proper treatment will first make my life unmanageable and then will kill me. The hardest thing for me to remember is that I HAVE this disease, and that I'm not a bad person. This dark passenger speaks very loudly to me at times, telling me that I am a worthless piece of shit and that I do not deserve all the good things in life or even life itself.
I am currently trying to do more self-care. I'm really good at caring for others, but horrible at caring for myself. This is primarily because the disease tells me I'm not worth it. So for now, I'm acting as if I believed it. I have gone to the nutritionist, the dentist, an oral surgeon, and the eye doctor all in the last two weeks. And there is more to come.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Highs and Lows
When I was active in my disease (binging my brains out and eating myself to oblivion), my life was a series of highs and lows. Everything that happened to me was either the best thing that had EVER happened to me or was absolutely devastating. There was never the in between. I was either on top of the world or the lowest life form to ever slink across the surface of the planet. And if I am completely honest with myself, even when life was amazing and I was getting everything I wanted, I usually still felt like the later.
When I hit rock bottom with my compulsive eating, I (by all accounts) was at a peak of life. I graduated from grad school, was moving back to a place I loved, was marrying the love of my life, was starting a non-profit, etc. But I also ballooned to my highest weight. When life happened to me, I ate. For the good and the bad, I ate. I didn't know how to cope with life without eating. I did not know how to live life in the middle ground. It was all high or all low!
My life is different now. Or better that I should say, my reaction to life is different now. These last two weeks have been a crazy system of ups and downs. (Not the ones perceived by my addict's brain...but actual ups and downs.) And the most brilliant thing I have experienced has been a middle-of-the-road reaction to it all. I have felt the exhilaration and the devastation, but I have not stayed there. Once I was beyond the initial shock of all the events, my Higher Power gave me an evenness of mind and body. I did not want to eat or starve over it all. I just wanted to be of maximum usefulness to my HP, my family, and my fellows.
Recovery is like this. Amazing!
When I hit rock bottom with my compulsive eating, I (by all accounts) was at a peak of life. I graduated from grad school, was moving back to a place I loved, was marrying the love of my life, was starting a non-profit, etc. But I also ballooned to my highest weight. When life happened to me, I ate. For the good and the bad, I ate. I didn't know how to cope with life without eating. I did not know how to live life in the middle ground. It was all high or all low!
My life is different now. Or better that I should say, my reaction to life is different now. These last two weeks have been a crazy system of ups and downs. (Not the ones perceived by my addict's brain...but actual ups and downs.) And the most brilliant thing I have experienced has been a middle-of-the-road reaction to it all. I have felt the exhilaration and the devastation, but I have not stayed there. Once I was beyond the initial shock of all the events, my Higher Power gave me an evenness of mind and body. I did not want to eat or starve over it all. I just wanted to be of maximum usefulness to my HP, my family, and my fellows.
Recovery is like this. Amazing!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Powerless
Yesterday was a practice in powerlessness. It was one curve ball after another. The "old" April loved to be in control of every aspect of life (or at least have the illusion of control). And if I'm honest with myself, this April would - most of the time - like to be in control too. However, this April knows now that only through letting go and admitting that things are out of my control am I able to be free.
I am powerless over people, places, and situations. I'm powerless over my son having to see a pediatric neurologist and whether or not we can get him an appointment in a reasonable amount of time. I am powerless over the bank accepting the offer we placed on a house more than two months earlier than we had "planned." I am powerless over whether members of my family want to be an active part of our lives.
At one time I thought that powerlessness was the worse possible thing...that I would die if I did not have power. I don't believe that anymore. Even though being powerless often comes with some difficult situations, I now believe that by letting go and admitting my powerlessness over different people, places, and situations, I have the freedom to allow a power greater than myself to care for me and the situation. The tighter I grasp, the less freedom I have.
Today, I'm choosing powerlessness.
I am powerless over people, places, and situations. I'm powerless over my son having to see a pediatric neurologist and whether or not we can get him an appointment in a reasonable amount of time. I am powerless over the bank accepting the offer we placed on a house more than two months earlier than we had "planned." I am powerless over whether members of my family want to be an active part of our lives.
At one time I thought that powerlessness was the worse possible thing...that I would die if I did not have power. I don't believe that anymore. Even though being powerless often comes with some difficult situations, I now believe that by letting go and admitting my powerlessness over different people, places, and situations, I have the freedom to allow a power greater than myself to care for me and the situation. The tighter I grasp, the less freedom I have.
Today, I'm choosing powerlessness.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Fear Not!
Fear. It's a huge thing in my life. Fear. I am a fearful person by nature. If you knew me out in the world, you might not know it. But so much of what goes on in my head is based on fear. Almost all the time, my gut reaction to any situation is to fear.
This being said I am less fearful in situations in which there are know entities. I know the people, I'm less fearful. I know the place, less fearful. I can anticipate every action around me...ok...that one is only in my dreams, but again it's based on fear.
In the Big Book, we hear about how fear is a huge part of our lives as addicts. It controls us. And I totally feel that. On page 68, there is a "fear prayer" that is suggested as a way to combat that gut reaction. "God, remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be." I feel like I cannot say this enough right now, and it's even not enough. The fear is strong.
But I also believe that my Higher Power is stronger than my fear. In my religious tradition there is a psalm (song) to God that is pretty well-known, even outside of traditional religions. Psalm 23 goes like this:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff -
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.
I find it a bit ironic that this is used most often for funerals. This is a psalm for the living not the dead. It is a psalm for an addict like me. When I am most connected with my HP (or when I am in most need of a connection), this psalm speaks to me.
God is the one who can lead me today. Not me. And not only will God lead me, but I can have stillness and restoration. The days of toiling and spinning can be done. I can take the right paths in life and leave the sketchy ones behind.
Even though things get difficult and I want to die, God is with me and comforts me in my most desperate need. Even when I feel persecuted or feel like I have/am nothing, I need not be concerned with that. For God prepares a place for me and gives me what I need to be sustained. I will have enough...always enough.
If I can keep in touch with this power greater than human power, I will receive goodness and mercy and will be able to offer goodness and mercy.
Fear...you have no part of me...you don't work here anymore.
And so I will dwell with God my whole life long.
This being said I am less fearful in situations in which there are know entities. I know the people, I'm less fearful. I know the place, less fearful. I can anticipate every action around me...ok...that one is only in my dreams, but again it's based on fear.
In the Big Book, we hear about how fear is a huge part of our lives as addicts. It controls us. And I totally feel that. On page 68, there is a "fear prayer" that is suggested as a way to combat that gut reaction. "God, remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be." I feel like I cannot say this enough right now, and it's even not enough. The fear is strong.
But I also believe that my Higher Power is stronger than my fear. In my religious tradition there is a psalm (song) to God that is pretty well-known, even outside of traditional religions. Psalm 23 goes like this:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff -
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.
I find it a bit ironic that this is used most often for funerals. This is a psalm for the living not the dead. It is a psalm for an addict like me. When I am most connected with my HP (or when I am in most need of a connection), this psalm speaks to me.
God is the one who can lead me today. Not me. And not only will God lead me, but I can have stillness and restoration. The days of toiling and spinning can be done. I can take the right paths in life and leave the sketchy ones behind.
Even though things get difficult and I want to die, God is with me and comforts me in my most desperate need. Even when I feel persecuted or feel like I have/am nothing, I need not be concerned with that. For God prepares a place for me and gives me what I need to be sustained. I will have enough...always enough.
If I can keep in touch with this power greater than human power, I will receive goodness and mercy and will be able to offer goodness and mercy.
Fear...you have no part of me...you don't work here anymore.
And so I will dwell with God my whole life long.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me!
God is my business. No...I'm serious...God is my "business." I'm a clergy person, and I'm in the business of helping other grow in their relationship to God. It's pretty ironic that even in the midst of my sharing God with others, I couldn't believe what I was preaching.
There have been many ways in which I was very connected with God. I've known for a long time that I had a direct line to a power greater than myself, like since I was 17. And there were many things for which I turned to God for guidance, strength, and wisdom.
When it came to the food, however, it never occurred to me to go to God. Perhaps that is even not quite true. I know that, while I was sharing with others that God could and would show up in their times of most need, I did not believe it was true for me. I believed that there were things I had done in my past that made me unlovable to God...or at least that God wouldn't care to give me a second thought. God could not love me. In fact God had actually forsaken me...left me in the world to suffer alone. And that perhaps, if I shared God's love enough, I could be brought back into the fold. Because I truly believed that God could be available to anyone...except me.
In writing my fourth step inventory in OA, I found it quite freeing to write out all of the heinous (in my mind) acts that I had committed. These 20 years of pain, solitude, despair, and shame were finally on paper, and in some way I was no longer carrying them alone. There was at least a notebook that also bore the weight of my past mistakes.
There were a few things in particular that were very painful to me....that made me the lowest of the low of human beings. These old, old wounds were fresh in my heart and soul, and I thought myself worthy of literal death because of them. Surely, if anyone knew about them, they would throw me to the wolves.
What a miracle it was to experience sharing this with another human being in the fifth step! I shared those places of deep pain and was NOT rejected! I was comforted and loved. I was held and accepted. And ultimately, I came to believe that God could and would be available in MY moments of greatest need. God was there when I finally decided to reach in God's direction. It was not that God had forsaken me, but the other way around.
I had pushed and pushed God away feeling unworthy of care, acceptance, love and pardon. I had dis-invited God into the most intimate places of my pain, thinking myself unworthy of such tremendous love and compassion. God has continued to reach out to me saying, "beloved one, come to me...come all who are weary." And trust me, I am weary!
I believe today that as long as I am walking in a direction of recovery, open to God's movement, then God is available to me. There is nothing that can separate me (us) from the love of a benevolent God...nothing...except myself.
There have been many ways in which I was very connected with God. I've known for a long time that I had a direct line to a power greater than myself, like since I was 17. And there were many things for which I turned to God for guidance, strength, and wisdom.
When it came to the food, however, it never occurred to me to go to God. Perhaps that is even not quite true. I know that, while I was sharing with others that God could and would show up in their times of most need, I did not believe it was true for me. I believed that there were things I had done in my past that made me unlovable to God...or at least that God wouldn't care to give me a second thought. God could not love me. In fact God had actually forsaken me...left me in the world to suffer alone. And that perhaps, if I shared God's love enough, I could be brought back into the fold. Because I truly believed that God could be available to anyone...except me.
In writing my fourth step inventory in OA, I found it quite freeing to write out all of the heinous (in my mind) acts that I had committed. These 20 years of pain, solitude, despair, and shame were finally on paper, and in some way I was no longer carrying them alone. There was at least a notebook that also bore the weight of my past mistakes.
There were a few things in particular that were very painful to me....that made me the lowest of the low of human beings. These old, old wounds were fresh in my heart and soul, and I thought myself worthy of literal death because of them. Surely, if anyone knew about them, they would throw me to the wolves.
What a miracle it was to experience sharing this with another human being in the fifth step! I shared those places of deep pain and was NOT rejected! I was comforted and loved. I was held and accepted. And ultimately, I came to believe that God could and would be available in MY moments of greatest need. God was there when I finally decided to reach in God's direction. It was not that God had forsaken me, but the other way around.
I had pushed and pushed God away feeling unworthy of care, acceptance, love and pardon. I had dis-invited God into the most intimate places of my pain, thinking myself unworthy of such tremendous love and compassion. God has continued to reach out to me saying, "beloved one, come to me...come all who are weary." And trust me, I am weary!
I believe today that as long as I am walking in a direction of recovery, open to God's movement, then God is available to me. There is nothing that can separate me (us) from the love of a benevolent God...nothing...except myself.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I Don't Wanna
I don't want to write tonight. I don't want to write tomorrow. I am tired, and tonight, I just want to be a normal person. I don't want to be a person with a disease who has to be in constant care in order to stay in remission.
I want to spend my evening relaxing on the couch. I want to watch tv and chat with my husband. I have a narrow window of time between when my babe goes to bed and when I go to bed. One tiny hour. During that time, I just want to be a normie. I don't want to think. I don't want to think about my disease or my recovery. I don't want to think about what I have to do in order to survive. I want a night off from my disease.
Ok...now that I have gotten that out of my system. Step two in this path of recovery is "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
For most of my life, I have been in strong connection with God. I have felt very close to God since my childhood and have even answered a call from God into ordained ministry. I turned my vocation and work life over to the care of God. In that vein, I have gotten a lot from God, vocationally. For some reason (the addicted mind), I didn't think that God had any interest in my food or my obsession.
Truth is that I thought I could control my eating...I would someday have the willpower to resist the cravings. I never asked for help. I would work it out. What I have come to believe is that I am powerless over food, and that my life is unmanageable, and only a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
I believe that I was really blocked from all that God had to offer to me. I could hear God speaking to me in so many ways, but in this area I was so cut off from myself that I couldn't possibly hear God. I finally got desperate enough to believe that God would be willing to enter this part of my life, and even more...I got desperate enough to be willing to believe that God would care.
Desperation and willingness may have saved my life.
I want to spend my evening relaxing on the couch. I want to watch tv and chat with my husband. I have a narrow window of time between when my babe goes to bed and when I go to bed. One tiny hour. During that time, I just want to be a normie. I don't want to think. I don't want to think about my disease or my recovery. I don't want to think about what I have to do in order to survive. I want a night off from my disease.
Ok...now that I have gotten that out of my system. Step two in this path of recovery is "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
For most of my life, I have been in strong connection with God. I have felt very close to God since my childhood and have even answered a call from God into ordained ministry. I turned my vocation and work life over to the care of God. In that vein, I have gotten a lot from God, vocationally. For some reason (the addicted mind), I didn't think that God had any interest in my food or my obsession.
Truth is that I thought I could control my eating...I would someday have the willpower to resist the cravings. I never asked for help. I would work it out. What I have come to believe is that I am powerless over food, and that my life is unmanageable, and only a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
I believe that I was really blocked from all that God had to offer to me. I could hear God speaking to me in so many ways, but in this area I was so cut off from myself that I couldn't possibly hear God. I finally got desperate enough to believe that God would be willing to enter this part of my life, and even more...I got desperate enough to be willing to believe that God would care.
Desperation and willingness may have saved my life.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Obsession of the Mind
Once the phenomenon of craving is subsided physically (by abstaining from those foods which are poisonous to me), I get into the real trouble with my addiction: my mind. I am too damn smart. And not only am I smart, but I'm also very clever.
It would be enough for a "normal" person to be told that they are allergic to a certain type of food and that it could and would kill them, and they would cut that food out of their life. Allergic to peanuts...no problem. Allergic to wheat...no problem.
If I were a normal person, that would be enough. I am allergic to certain foods, and I should avoid them altogether. No problem...but wait...can't I have just a little taste of it. That wouldn't kill me would it. Just how many peanuts would it take until my windpipe closed up...five peanuts...ten...the whole bag on the plane? Surely just a few wouldn't hurt me too bad.
That's the addicted mind. It's not just that I'm allergic to certain foods, but I also have a mind obsessed with food or rather, obsessed with anything that I perceive that won't go MY way. There are no excuses that justify the obsession or eating the foods to which I am allergic. Not only must I abstain from all addictive foods, but I must abstain from giving into my obsessed mind. And that I cannot do alone, but now I'm getting ahead of myself.
It would be enough for a "normal" person to be told that they are allergic to a certain type of food and that it could and would kill them, and they would cut that food out of their life. Allergic to peanuts...no problem. Allergic to wheat...no problem.
If I were a normal person, that would be enough. I am allergic to certain foods, and I should avoid them altogether. No problem...but wait...can't I have just a little taste of it. That wouldn't kill me would it. Just how many peanuts would it take until my windpipe closed up...five peanuts...ten...the whole bag on the plane? Surely just a few wouldn't hurt me too bad.
That's the addicted mind. It's not just that I'm allergic to certain foods, but I also have a mind obsessed with food or rather, obsessed with anything that I perceive that won't go MY way. There are no excuses that justify the obsession or eating the foods to which I am allergic. Not only must I abstain from all addictive foods, but I must abstain from giving into my obsessed mind. And that I cannot do alone, but now I'm getting ahead of myself.
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