Powerless

Yesterday was a practice in powerlessness. It was one curve ball after another. The "old" April loved to be in control of every aspect of life (or at least have the illusion of control). And if I'm honest with myself, this April would - most of the time - like to be in control too. However, this April knows now that only through letting go and admitting that things are out of my control am I able to be free.

I am powerless over people, places, and situations. I'm powerless over my son having to see a pediatric neurologist and whether or not we can get him an appointment in a reasonable amount of time. I am powerless over the bank accepting the offer we placed on a house more than two months earlier than we had "planned." I am powerless over whether members of my family want to be an active part of our lives.

At one time I thought that powerlessness was the worse possible thing...that I would die if I did not have power. I don't believe that anymore. Even though being powerless often comes with some difficult situations, I now believe that by letting go and admitting my powerlessness over different people, places, and situations, I have the freedom to allow a power greater than myself to care for me and the situation. The tighter I grasp, the less freedom I have.

Today, I'm choosing powerlessness.

Fear Not!

Fear. It's a huge thing in my life. Fear. I am a fearful person by nature. If you knew me out in the world, you might not know it. But so much of what goes on in my head is based on fear. Almost all the time, my gut reaction to any situation is to fear.

This being said I am less fearful in situations in which there are know entities. I know the people, I'm less fearful. I know the place, less fearful. I can anticipate every action around me...ok...that one is only in my dreams, but again it's based on fear.

In the Big Book, we hear about how fear is a huge part of our lives as addicts. It controls us. And I totally feel that. On page 68, there is a "fear prayer" that is suggested as a way to combat that gut reaction. "God, remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be." I feel like I cannot say this enough right now, and it's even not enough. The fear is strong.

But I also believe that my Higher Power is stronger than my fear. In my religious tradition there is a psalm (song) to God that is pretty well-known, even outside of traditional religions. Psalm 23 goes like this:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff -
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
my whole life long.

I find it a bit ironic that this is used most often for funerals. This is a psalm for the living not the dead. It is a psalm for an addict like me. When I am most connected with my HP (or when I am in most need of a connection), this psalm speaks to me.

God is the one who can lead me today. Not me. And not only will God lead me, but I can have stillness and restoration. The days of toiling and spinning can be done. I can take the right paths in life and leave the sketchy ones behind.

Even though things get difficult and I want to die, God is with me and comforts me in my most desperate need. Even when I feel persecuted or feel like I have/am nothing, I need not be concerned with that. For God prepares a place for me and gives me what I need to be sustained. I will have enough...always enough.

If I can keep in touch with this power greater than human power, I will receive goodness and mercy and will be able to offer goodness and mercy.

Fear...you have no part of me...you don't work here anymore.

And so I will dwell with God my whole life long.